I, Ned Caratacus, will allow myself to say precisely one super-serious news thing on this blog: Ukraine deserves better.
Now, back to the goings-on of Luminar and such.
On the 30th of September, 1791, a certain Viennese chap by the name of Amadeus Mozart had gone so batshit insane that he made two important decisions:
- To add “Wolfgang” to his name, presumably because he believed he was not one man, but several wolves in a crime ring, and
- to put on an opera called The Magic Flute at the Friehaus-Theater auf der Wieden.
If you’re not familiar with The Magic Flute, perhaps you’re familiar with the Queen of Night’s aria from Act 2, in which she sings a sentence that can only be properly transcribed as “aaaaÄ Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä aaa, aaaaÄ Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä uuuh, uuuuÜ Ü Ü Ü Ä Ä Ä Ä ÄÄÄÄAÜAÜA, ÄÄÄAÜAÜAAAA,” which, in the context of the scene, is the single most Viennese way to yell at one’s daughter.
The Magic Flute is beautiful, inspiring, and enchanting… but sadly, its story aged like American cheese on a Chevy Malibu’s hood. You’ll see why in a minute. But, when setting out to adapt a story, I like to adapt the raw emotions that the original opera awoke in me — with accuracy strictly optional.
So, for the truly uninitiated, here’s Uncle Ned’s summary of Neverstone’s source material…
OVERTURE!
I never really understood this part, but there’s a character called String Section who says “deet-deet-deet-deet-deet-deet-deedalilly” a lot. He never shows up again.
ACT ONE!
A prince named Tamino (Oh hai, Noah) runs in, being chased by a giant snake (Oh hai, Fangzor/Lyndwyrm). Tamino does what any virile leading man in a heroic play would do and faints from terror. Three magical ladies or whatever (Oh hai, House Koschei) come in and magic the snake to death for the crime of being huge and mean. The three of them spend the next number collectively thirsting over an unconscious stranger — then leave before the cops come, because that’s gross.
Tamino wakes up. The land the snake chased him into is strange to him, full of… Pyramids? (I dunno, they never really made the Egyptian aspect of this story as clear as Aida, and it’s usually up to the discretion of the individual stage designer. Then again, this was written at a time when not much was really understood about Egypt, so this is more of a fairy-tale setting than anything else.) He hears a birdcatcher named Papageno (Oh hai, Era) singing about how horny & lonely he is whilst catching birds.
Tamino: WHOA, who in the absolute fee-fi-fiddly-eye-fuck are you?
Papageno: Seriously? I spent the last three minutes singing the answer.
Tamino: Whatever. Where’s the giant snake?
Papageno: Uhhh… I killed it. Yep. That was me. #likeaboss
Three Ladies: YOUR LYING MOUTH IS A CRIMINAL.
The three ladies pull out a padlock gag and send Papageno’s mouth to Mouth Jail for a few minutes. (Joke’s on you, he’s into that shit.) They also give Tamino a picture of their queen’s daughter, Pamina (Oh hai… uh, didn’t really change her name.) for some reason. Her picture is so beautiful that Tamino proceeds to use his voice to platonically masturbate to this picture in front of hundreds of operagoers.
So, where is this mystery date so that Prince Tamino can go off and stalk the SHIT out of her (Oh hai, Raphael)? Turns out a demon-wizard-whatever named Sarastro (oh hai, Titania) kidnapped her. For further explanation, the Queen of Night herself (Oh hai, both Liv and Astrid) shows up to explain the situation, then order Tamino and Papageno to rescue her.
She gives Tamino a magic flute and Papageno some magic bells, which do… magic song shit. Three magical boys (Oh hai, Galgalim/Argo/Rafeth) guide Tamino and Papageno along their journey.
Papageno scouts ahead to Sarastro’s temple, and the evil chief of the slaves (again, didn’t age well) named Monostatos (Oh hai, Lord Monty) is terrorizing Pamina. Papageno shows up, and they’re both horrified by each other’s appearance — Papageno’s weird bird costume, and Monostatos’s…
Heavy sigh.
Anyway, Papageno and Pamina try to sneak out of Sarastro’s temple. Papageno sings about how much he wants to meet Papagena (oh hai, Gena), which is the imaginary girlfriend OC he made on his deviantART.
Tamino approaches Sarastro’s temple.
Tamino: HEY FUCKOS, OPEN UP AND GIMME DAT PRINCESS
Priest: Actually, we’re nice people.
Tamino: w h a t
Sarastro: Hey, guy. This whole temple shindig is a virtuous cult that Mozart made to represent massive boner for Freemasonry. I kidnapped Pamina from the Queen of Night because the Queen is a single mother and that makes the reactionary part of my corrupted mind feel all ouchy-wouchy and stuff.
Tamino: Wow, I can’t believe how much nothing wrong you’re doing, sign me up so I can bang Pamina.
Sarastro: First, you must do the initiation rites! I’ll have the rites prepared for you by my inexhaustible supply of literal slave labor. Golly, I’m so virtuous and wise!
Papageno also signs up on the grounds that he’ll get Papagena out of it for some reason.
ACT TWO!
This part’ll be a little shorter.
The first few tests are tests of restraint, and Papageno flunks the crap out of them. Papageno gets booted from the Temple for the crime of being a down-to-earth guy who just wants to bang in an opera full of idealism.
The Queen of Night shows up and tries to bully Pamina into shanking Sarastro with Die Zaubershiv. She ends up not doing that out of Sarastro’s reactionary bullshit ANCIENT WISDOM.
The last test is a Zelda dungeon of fire and water. Tamino plays the flute at it so hard that he beats the game.
Meanwhile, Papageno’s so bummed out about losing Papagena that he decides to hang himself about it. The three boys show up and this happens…
Papageno: Fuck off, I’m tryin’ to Young my Werthers.
Boys: USE THE BELLS. You have literal magic bells that do magic shit.
Papageno: But I haven’t done nearly enough character development to earn such an outcome!
Boys: Look, we’re trying to establish that not only fancy idealistic people get to have nice things.
Papageno: Ah. …bitchin’.
Bells: DOINGLE DANGLE ‘N’ STUFF
Papagena: Hi, I can’t not bang you.
Papageno: YEE
(Those of you who have read Book 2 may have seen a distinctly less shitposty version of that scene in Buyan. No spoilers, of course…)
Having been fired by Sarastro for wanting to bang Pamina, Monostatos toadies up to the Queen of Night. The two of them join the Three Ladies in trying to break into the Temple. That plan lasts for about two minutes before they’re all Ambiguously Magic’d™ to death, and everyone still standing celebrates Tamino and Pamina finally having Zelda Dungeon’d their way into holy matrimony.
Ned Caratacus: Author, Scholar, Duck 