And the reason you ask that is because I just implied that you did. And I own you.[Citation needed]
So, without further adon’t, here’s a brief guide to the main characters of the Neverstone saga.
Full Name: Erasmus Papageno Gualtieri
Aliases: Era, the Mad Elf, Slasher[Liv-exclusive], Little Dork[Family-exclusive], Public Enemy Number One
D&D Alignment: Chaotic Good
Age: 19 at the start of The Mad Elf
Birthday: May 25th
Race: Elvish
Gender: Male
Orientation: Demisexual
Relationship Status: (…ask him later; he’s still figuring it out.)
Family: Mischa Gualtieri (father), Julia Tarranti (mother – estranged after birth & missing), Gena Gualtieri (older sister/mother figure – missing)
Favorite Weapon: The schiavona, a basket-hilted sword he has kept and maintained since his days at Mt. Colibri Academy
Fighting style: Telekinetic fencing, trickery
Favorite Food: Chicken strips
Favorite Music: Most types of metal, save for thrash and nu-metal. (Has a soft spot for folksy Elvish accordion music.)
Likes: Sitting in the rain, birds, naps, alone time, philosophy, solving problems
Dislikes: Large crowds, Medusa Guns, arrogance, people incorrectly identifying his sword as a rapier, laissez-faire attitudes towards solvable problems, nasty comments about his sister
Greatest Fear: Dying alone
“If I were an animal, I’d be…”: A magpie holding a knife.
Era’s a passable swordsman, but his wits are sharper than any sword. Despite all his self-doubt, his analytical approach to fighting has made him a terrifying force of nature that keeps his enemies up at night.
He is the descendant of Baron Lutero Gualtieri, the famous Elvish adventurer, philosopher, and gourmand. Lutero’s writings form the basis of Era’s strategies. In particular, Era’s a staunch proponent of Lutero’s “Third Path” theory — that there’s a minimum of three solutions to any given problem, never two or one.
If Lutero’s riches hadn’t been squandered by his grandfather on erotic slot machines, Era would have had a much happier upbringing. Sadly, Era spent much of his childhood in abject poverty. Gena took up competitive dueling to support the family with prize money. Era idolizes his sister; everything he does is done in the hope of either becoming just like her or making her proud.
During the Fall of Rosencrace, Era’s right leg was destroyed by a Medusa Gun. His sister has been missing ever since. But with no home to come back to, Era wanders the Ariesian Empire as a train-hopping vagrant, searching for any trace of Gena…
Full Name: Olivia-Mae Sandrine Matapang
Aliases: Liv, the Black Knight, Starlight[Mr. Sam-Exclusive], Screechy the UberBitch[Exclusive to 3 of her exes], “CALL THE POLICE ON SIGHT”[An informal designation from every band merch store in Cape Dartley]
D&D Alignment: Chaotic Good
Age: 19 at the start of The Mad Elf
Birthday: April 10th
Race: Phiscaean/Celsioran (not Elvish or Dwarven)
Gender: Female
Orientation: Bisexual
Relationship Status: In an open relationship with mass homicide
Family: Ken Matapang (father – presumed dead), Natalie Baumann-Matapang (mother – presumed dead), Phoebe Baumann (aunt)
Favorite Weapon: The skull-shaped projectiles she forms with her magic, maybe a staff if she remembers to pack one
Fighting style: This.
Favorite Food: “The vog you mean, ‘coffee is not a food?!’ Ugghhh, fine. Buffalo wings or summat.”
Favorite Music: DEATH METAL
Likes: Delivering a brutal comeuppance to those who deserve it, making awful puns, transgressive horror novels, calligraphy, doodling, watching bad movies to make fun of them
Dislikes: Wealth & privilege, house rules, bigotry, country music, anything that makes Noah cry, unwanted romantic advances, anyone who tries to steal her mask, the phrase “can’t we all just get along?”
Greatest Fear: Losing control of her powers and killing someone she loves
“If I were an animal, I’d be…”: “THE VOG YOU MEAN, ‘SKELETON WITH A FLAMETHROWER IS NOT AN ANIMAL?!’ SCREW THIS!”
On a strictly empirical basis, Liv is the edgiest bitch on the planet. She feels right at home when her enemies are screaming and begging for mercy. As a Mystic, she has the ability to create her own spells – and the recurring skull motifs reflect her mischievous attitude toward killing her enemies.
Despite the fact that they’re complete opposites, Noah is her best friend. She went from bullying him in middle school to becoming his fierce protector, and the two of them have been like inseparable siblings ever since.
She doesn’t like to refer to her friends by their real names; rather, she assigns everyone to whom she grows close special nicknames. This is a habit she picked up from her old probation officer, the enigmatic figure known only as “Mr. Sam.”
Ever since she was anointed as a Mystic by an otherworldly spirit called Kuhallen, Liv has struggled with inexplicable urges to cause violence. But contrary to her reputation, she strives to channel these urges into something heroic. Mercenary work, fighting monsters, and killing GU goons — all these things give her brief periods of satisfaction.
But even then, two words keep her up every night, tamped down only by self-loathing and misplaced anger: “What if…?”
Full Name: Friar Noah Wilhelm Tamino
Aliases: Minion[Liv-exclusive]
D&D Alignment: Neutral Good
Age: 18 at the start of The Mad Elf
Birthday: February 23rd
Race: Celsioran (not Elvish or Dwarven)
Gender: Male
Orientation: Straight
Relationship Status: Engaged to Crown Princess Pamina
Family: [DATA EXPUNGED] (father), [DATA EXPUNGED] (mother – missing), Aleister O’Connell (legal guardian)
Favorite Weapon: Staff
Fighting style: He’s a lover, not a fighter.
Favorite Food: Cookies, particularly ones that are shaped like non-cookie things
Favorite Music: Ariesian gospel music
Likes: Bunnies, Pamina, knock-knock jokes, rainbows, cleaning up his living space, cartoons, Pamina, dessert, weighted blankets, Pamina’s hair, Pamina’s smile, the way Pamina looks intensely into the distance when she’s thinking about something she’s passionate about, Pamina
Dislikes: Insults about his weight, loud noises, cruelty, catching something R-rated whilst flipping through channels, lies
Greatest Fear: Losing his inner child and turning into a cynical bastard
“If I were an animal, I’d be…”: A cocker spaniel with a huge and disgusting skin tag in the shape of a heart.
Some people say that Noah’s the last truly blameless person in Aries. Granted, he’s about as smart as a waffle iron and cries whenever someone talks about butterflies (“B-b-but… their lifespans are so short…”), but he’s got the kind of heart that was once thought to be extinct.
He’s an ardent member of the Church of Aries, but more of a love-thy-neighbor type than a fire-and-brimstone type. Other faiths and nonbelievers don’t bother him — at least, not after a few rounds of tea ‘n’ cookies.
Besides, even if they did bother him, he’s got a much bigger problem around his neck at all times: the Healer’s Code. If he ever willingly lies, smokes, drinks, has sex before marriage, or (insert 32 pages of complicated rules here), the Amethyst Beads around his neck will turn into chains, and the angel Chopiel will descend from Paradisia to lob his head off.
If that sounds barbaric, it’s because it probably is. But such is the price of his ability to tell whether or not people are lying. Besides, if the lie detector lies, then what good is its lie detection?
Full Name: Princess Ofelia Carlotta Niccolo VI
Aliases: Feely[Liv-exclusive], [Deadname redacted]
D&D Alignment: Lawful Good
Age: 18 at the start of The Mad Elf
Birthday: September 6th (the same as the Fall of Rosencrace – needless to say, she’s not big on birthdays anymore)
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Orientation: Lesbian
Relationship Status: Single, but looking to change that
Family: Pietro the Blind (father – presumed dead), Julia Tarranti (mother – missing), two brothers and four sisters (dead), Era (half-brother)
Favorite Weapon: A gladius and the Great Shield of the North. The latter is an ancestral weapon straight from the Emperor’s armory.
Fighting style: Forcefields, church magic, and the occasional Captain America bullshit
Favorite Food: Curry – the spicier, the better
Favorite Music: Opera
Likes: Expensive jewelry, Elvish folk dancing, gentle snowfall, a cozy night in with a good book, serial killer documentaries (guilty pleasure)
Dislikes: Her father & his war crimes, sexual immodesty (but only from people she doesn’t find attractive), meals that cost under 200 G, House Koschei
Greatest Fear: Not being able to fully atone for her father’s sins
“If I were an animal, I’d be…”: A white tiger. (Perhaps it’s lazy to default to family heraldry, but why fix what isn’t broken? Besides, tigers are neat. Rawr.)
Ofelia is the rightful heir to a fallen province-kingdom. Despite her snobbish attitude and overall crankiness, the person whom she treats the harshest is herself. Her father committed genocide against Rosencrace’s Mystics; as the last surviving member of the Niccolo bloodline, the onus falls on her to pay her father’s debt of sin.
Despite being the youngest of seven siblings, Ofelia was trained from birth to be the heir to Emperor Pietro’s throne. Pietro himself didn’t think any of his other children showed as much promise.
She dreams one day of reclaiming the Rosencracian throne, rebuilding everything the Koscheis destroyed – and making the name of House Niccolo synonymous with progress, rather than autocracy.
Full Name: BRAAAAAAANWEEEEEEN HAAAAAMMMEEEEERRSMIIIIIIIIITH
Aliases: Cap’n Branwen, Branny[Liv-exclusive], the Terror of Warsaw[Context unknown]
D&D Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Age: 19 at the start of The Mad Elf
Birthday: …she forgot.
Race: Dwarven
Gender: Female
Orientation: “GIRL HOT”
Relationship Status: “It’s complicated” with Noelle
Family: Oompus Hammersmith (father), Liza Cloudbreaker-Hammersmith (mother), Meat Hammersmith (brother)
Favorite Weapon: Bare hands
Fighting style: This.
Favorite Food: Hubcaps
Favorite Music: The screaming in her ears at all times, sea shanties
Likes: Adventure, tits, tit adventures
Dislikes: Reality, the French, “Anubis” (the safeword that temporarily stops her hallucinations)
Greatest Fear: First, look me in the eye and tell me, truthfully, that you want to hear the answer to this question.
“If I were an animal, I’d be…”: Sentient roadkill.
Branwen’s… a bit of an odd duck. Having inherited her father’s berserker genes, she has superhuman strength – at the cost of a need to expend energy at all times. As a result, she doesn’t sleep, despite having wanted to ever since she literally punched her way out of her mother’s womb.
Lifelong sleep deprivation led to lifelong hallucinations. Branwen believes she’s some kind of badass pirate goddess, and any given object in front of her will take the corresponding form that her illusory fantasy-world has assigned it.
The only line of work where she would have fit in was street piracy, and she took to it like a natural. But once she caught sight of “Noelle,” she left piracy to follow her romantic obsession. (The fact that “Noelle” is actually Noah isn’t particularly relevant to her.)
Ned Caratacus: Author, Scholar, Duck 