…
Um, is this thing on?
…
H-hello, everybody.
I’m sorry if I seem a little out of sorts. I’ve been having a very rough time lately. Ever since I officially became the Almighty Star-Blazing Queen of Night, I thought that would be my little “never be scared ever again” pass.
Joke’s on me for trusting anyone, I guess.
Just as an example, let me tell you about the day I had yesterday….
7 AM: I was back in Castle Koschei. Mommy and Daddy were both there, and neither of them were traitors – ostensibly because a force of irresistible, pale-golden love had washed over them and retroactively undid every horrible thing they ever did to me. Daddy told a joke. Mommy ate a live snake. I laughed at both of these things, for they were very amusing.
7:30 AM: My handsome and immortal big bother showed up in the dream. He smiled at me warmly. He held a silver tray of gingerly buttered crumpets in his hands. I asked him, “Didn’t I see you die?”
He placed a strong palm on the top of my head, rubbing my scalp, and said, “Be still, my blameless goddess. I only pretended to die. It was a joke. It was all a joke. Look at little Liv, how happy she is.”
I looked down, and there was Liv the MURDERESS, kneeling and barking at me on her leash. She held a tennis ball in her mouth. She plopped it in my hand.
“Go fetch,” I said, throwing the tennis ball into a garbage disposal.
She shoved her face into the sink. Raspberry jam covered the whole kitchen in a geyser from her awful little face.
My family and I clapped our hands, giggling, singing little Crissmus songs. There was nothing left of her. The Era-skin rug under my feet twitched, moaning – for he was still alive. They were all still alive. Daddy hugged me. Mommy hugged me. Raphie hugged me. Raphie gave me a hundred little kisses on my forehead in the shapes of all the little constellations that I love so dearly.
A blanket of invisible eternal lovewarmth cocooned me, slowly melting my flesh from a cattergirl into a beautiful loverfly. I looked up into the endless night sky above me and the moon winked, smiling. Nothing was wrong anymore, and everything was correct forever.
8 AM: I WOKE UP IT WAS A DREAM DADDY’S STILL DEAD RAPHIE’S STILL DEAD MOMMY SHOULD BE DEAD EVERYTHING IS WRONG WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT VOGGING FAIR
8-10 AM: This distressed me so much, I spent two hours weeping and breaking things in my happy little room in Castle Elysium.
10 AM: Once I finally got my two-hour morning weep out of the way, I had a breakfast consisting of 5 gallons of chamomile tea mixed with honey and strawberry cordial, ate my way through an Avogadro’s Constant worth of crumpets hyperspatially compressed into a single cubic centimeter, and… well, for dessert, I wasn’t really in the mood for food-based dessert, so I had my servants fetch me a captive princess from a nearby world-pillar so that I could do happy little things to her veins.
10:40 AM: Mid-deveining, the princess called me a very, very, very awful name that I will not repeat. Her ashes are now cold. She will never make me sad again.
(Before you say anything, it’s very important for my mental health that I don’t go at least an hour without defiling someone in ways they would never understand. Judging my self-care routine is not something you’d do if you deserve to live. Just saying!)
11 AM: My little friends on Earth sent me a very important note. Have you ever heard of the Queen’s Court? They’re such lovely creatures. I have done almost nothing for them and they have supported me unquestioningly. They sent me this video and I have never related to something so intimately in my entire life.
Oh! Speaking of my favorite Earthlings… Morrissey promised me he’d write a song about me. I love Morrissey. I want to lick his eyeballs, overwrite his mind, and make him my sad little canary-monkey in a happy little forever-enclosure next to my throne. Sing for me. SING FOR ME.
12 PM – 4 PM: Went over some of the other worlds in the multiverse I’m scouting for potential friend-slave populations. Here’s just a sample of my findings yesterday:
| WORLD-PILLAR | FINDINGS | VERDICT |
| Ashgaraff-no-Zarakh | Dominant species appears to be pacifist anthropomorphic bunnies, all of whom are individually named Snepp. Differentiation between individual Snepps is based on how many radishes they’ve shoved in their ears. It ends up being an overly complicated caste system in which one individual Snepp comprises an entire caste. …they are very fluffy. Touching them makes me feel nice, even when it makes them scream. | Lobotomize all Snepps, stuff into a single weighted blanket, sit under it when I’m scared. Keep one Snepp to use as a soft little cushion for my throne. Everything else: SAFETY RISK – KILL THEM ALL |
| Doong Doong Nevryekragagogagh Derehuyeeegh Nan Schniugarp | Clearly, they would not have made this name as hard to pronounce if they didn’t secretly intend to HURT ME! | SAFETY RISK – KILL THEM ALL |
| Hoom | Before I could do any serious research, their god told me I was making them uncomfortable. | SAFETY RISK – KILL THEM ALL |
| Tromphek-Naa | Terrified delegations of every country in Tromphek-Naa met me within the pillar, offering me all sorts of wonderful gifts to appease the terrifying God-Queen that had made herself known in their presence. Jewels. Toys. Books. Servants. Machines. Clothes. Food. Drinks. Weapons… These gifts were all wonderful. They really made my day. And to top it all off, their god personally offered to let me take his place as the god of Tromphek-Naa. | SAFETY RISK – KILL THEM ALL …then, send a thank-you card for the lovely gifts. |
| Karnorm | A weird one. This world is technologically advanced for the most part, and they seem to have had at least some contact with other world-pillars. They even know who David Bowie is! Some of them even like David Bowie! This could be the breakthrough I needed… | Line up every individual of Karnorm’s dominant species single-file. Play “Starman” for them one-by-one. If they like it, they’re friend-slave material. If they don’t, BURY THEM ALIVE. |
5 PM: Just after I used temporal manipulation magicks to take care of the Bowie-based audit of Karnorm in a fraction of the time, I manifested a computer and pretended to go shopping on Amazon for a while. I must admit, it’s pretty addicting! Especially since I installed this extra-special button on my browser under “buy now” that says “Í̷̠̐͂ ̶̝̻̉̾̚C̴͖̔͑Ȓ̶̙̗̝̔̕Ë̸̘̓̌Ạ̸̣̘̿̒̄T̷͔͕͉͋̐̐Ȇ̸̡̊̂ ̵̤͒̒A̸̧̛̾͊Ș̸̐̃͊ ̸͙͑̿̓Ì̷͖ ̴̗͐͐̎S̷̺͎͕̆̀̍P̶̖͖͖̂̆̕Ẻ̸̯̘A̷̠͌̾̒Ǩ̶̞͌͘” that generates whatever I’m looking at out of sheer willpower.
6 PM: And just when I’m in the middle of browsing… THIS shows up.
That’s right, the two worst people in the multiverse – Angel “Ý̴̞͍Ò̷̟̰̰̍̏U̴̪̅̃ ̸̼̰̌̆M̶̨̀Á̸̩͒̋ͅD̵̦͐̉Ë̸͚̚ ̸̍̽͜ͅM̸̧̪͒̉͜Ė̴͚͖̒ ̵̜̙̆T̶̤͝O̵̡̻͘ ̸̡̃͂T̵̲̝́̇O̸̘͇̊̉͜R̵͙̮̋͌̾T̸̯͇̖́Ů̴͔̜̈́R̷̢͈͌̽̽É̶͙ ̶̥̓M̷̝̯͊̕Ë̵̠͚́̔,̷̡̗͓̓̎̈́ ̸̡̣̔Y̴̟͈̮̊̉Ó̸̧͎͔͒̽U̸̯͑̉ ̸̲͒̈͆M̴͍̣̜̂͌O̸̡̪̼̒N̴͙̜̎̓͜S̶̪̓̏T̷̛̙̽E̴͇̯͌̕͜R̷̺̰̈ͅ” Sanchez and Era “Y̷̲͝Ọ̵͠U̸͎͗’̸̲͒R̴̥̚E̴͕̅ ̷̧͘M̶͈̉A̶̠͐K̷̗͋Í̶͔N̷̨̋G̵̞̋ ̵̳̄M̷͎̄E̵͍̐ ̵̍͜S̵̯̓Á̶̙D̴͖͐,̶͎͝ ̷̲̈́P̷̲̊L̴̳̇Ę̸̂Ã̸̜S̴̲̐Ë̷̻́ ̷͎̃D̴̮̾I̷̖͛E̷͇̎” Gualtieri.
…
6 PM – 11 PM: I needed a moment.
11 PM: At my servants’ suggestion, I finally calmed down by making a little snack out of the approximately 14 billion surviving inhabitants of Karnorm.
12: I finally go to sleep by forcing the remaining cuttlefish people from the pillar of Garxiag Prime to sing me my favorite song about helping scared little goddesses. As a final show of good faith, they even submerged themselves in hydrochloric acid when the song was over so that they’d never have any potential to crawl into my Goddess-bed and suck my brain out of my ears.
…
If you honestly think it’s this easy to be me… if you think I’m just being too sensitive… if you’re one of those “oH aStRiD wHy CaN’t YoU jUsT dElEtE wHaTeVeR’s ScArInG yOu” people or those “NOOOO WHY ARE YOU DESTROYING DESTROYING MY ASSASSINATION PLOT INNOCENT HOMEWORLD” people or those “well *maybe* if you stopped hurting people, they’d stop trying to hurt you” monsters…
…well, good for you.
Your day’s going good, so, I hope your day keeps going better.
I hope you NEVER have to understand how it feels to be me!
Your lives are completely in my control as a higher power! That, in itself, is a form of safety!
WHO’S LOOKING OUT FOR ME?!
…
…book 4 of the Neverstone Saga hits Amazon on July 18th.
Read it, you heartless little spiders. Because, one: it’s funny, and two…
Something tells me you’re about to need a distraction from the inevitable.
#siekommt,
⋆｡°✩Little Astrid Methuselina Koschei, Queen of Night✩°｡⋆
Ned Caratacus: Author, Scholar, Duck 