Elves – a.k.a. That Thing Era Is, Part I – History

Hey, kiddos. Ned here. As promised, here are a few updates about one of the race issues that takes front & center in the Neverstone saga.

The meaning of “Elf” varies from universe to universe. In Lord of the Rings, they’re immortal twinks with who like wistfully staring into the distance. In Christmas specials, they’re a two-foot-high race of gremlins who daren’t leave the confines of their master’s slaving-grounds. In Berserk, they’re these Tinkerbell-ish dealies. In the Elder Scrolls, they’re a good reason to get in an argument with strangers in Skyrim Facebook groups.

(Spoiler: Skyrim actually belongs to the giants. Poor fellas just want to chill with their mammoths.)

But in Luminar, the world of the Neverstone saga, Elves are humans. Pointy-eared, tan-skinned humans. They have human lifespans, human abilities, and human everything-else.

So, what makes them so different from the rest of humanity? And why are they so commonly persecuted? To answer these questions, we’ll have to start from the very distant past…

50,000 years before the Mad Elf, there was a country on the opposite side of the world from Aries: an massive island state called Ofucha. They weren’t a particularly advanced civilization – I mean, I guess they could skin a walrus a bit quicker than you could, but you’re not very good at it to begin with.

Life wasn’t great in Ofucha. Stone temples, human sacrifices, tyranny, slave labor… you know, the usual trimmings and trappings of ancient peoples with no access to magic. (Magic wasn’t discovered in Luminar until later – more on that in a minute.) If anything, the nicest aspect of Ofuchan life was the lush and beautiful jungle and its constant abundance. (Then again, it was filled with the Goragna-Gorag Hateworm, which likes to breed in the colons of swimmers.)

I suppose that much is obvious about a lost tropical island full of ancient peoples, but the sad fact is, not much is known about the ancient Ofuchans. Because one, they never wrote their history down, and two, no archeologists have been allowed on it since Queen Aurelia Koschei bought the island.

(No one’s sure what she wants with Ofucha, but King Gregor drops her off there every three months or so for her “Special Ofucha Time.” And whenever he picks her back up, she’s naked, running a fever of 107, munching on a fistful of monkey fetuses, and proud to declare that “the pact has been satisfied.”)

“Elf” was the Ofuchan word for “human.” And since they never interacted with outsiders until after the Mt. Nidhogg incident, the Ofuchans weren’t aware of any other types of humans.

Over thousands of years, most of the Elvish lower-class population developed pointy ears. There wasn’t any magical reason for this. Truth be told a few Elves randomly developed that trait at birth, and when they grew older, they had UNGODLY amounts of sex and babies.

Now, the ruling class of Ofucha were round-eared, and not too keen on the new type of ear that was making the rounds among the peasants. And 20,000 years before The Mad Elf, the pointy-ears were banned to the edges of the island, while the rest sat comfortably at the capital… which was at the foot of an active volcano.

The volcano – Mt. Niddhog, by the way – did what volcanoes do best, and the round-eared elves went extinct. The surviving pointy-ears called this disaster much-welcomed divine retribution for about five minutes… until they realized that their once-abundant island was now the world’s biggest ashtray.

So, the Elves left their island in search of a new home. And while a few tribes ended up elsewhere, like Desert Elves of Asargirru (more on them in another post), the majority landed on the shores of Aries.

The Ariesian Elves all ended up settling in the northwestern province of Rosencrace. This was because the Kingdom of Aries had a very interesting public housing system going on at the time. This was known as the “everyone we don’t understand has to go freeze to death in Rosencrace” plan.

And much to the chagrin of the xenophobic Ariesians, the Elves adapted to the cold, forming a unique kingdom of their own throughout the ages. Elements of the Ofuchan folk traditions blended with the Church of Aries, and the Northwestern Orthodox Church of Galgalim was formed.

…I hate to end this here, but I just saw a caterpillar, and a duck’s gotta duck. Let’s continue this tomorrow.